Yes, Miley was right...."It's The Climb"

I apologize to anyone who has read anything I have written in the past and warn you now that this may be a bit redundant.  It's important though to go back and reiterate where it all began and who I was for the majority of my life in order for others to fully understand where I am now and most importantly, where I am headed!

I have struggled with my weight my entire life, my earliest memories are of being the kid who was picked on, made fun of and felt inferior to those around me.  Kids can be so cruel!  From such an early age the seeds of hurt and feelings of being inferior took root inside me.  Being the brunt of jokes is crushing always, but when people you thought were your friends betray you, laugh at you, make fun of you; well that is a little tough to get over! There is no point rehashing specifics at this point, I long ago let go of the anger I held on to, but I will say that those memories formed me!  They will forever be a part of the girl I was and essentially the girl I am. 

My first truly successful "diet" was my sophomore year in high school.  After a particularly rough freshman year, my Mom and I joined Weight Watchers and I lost 100 lbs.  I felt great, looked good, but everything I did on that "diet" was for others approval and had nothing to do with me.  I wanted people to stop making fun of me.  I wanted to be normal!  I wanted my mom to stop worrying and her heart to stop breaking every time I came home from school in tears.  So I went through the motions.  And I had success!  For a time!  By the time I graduated from high school I had gained back the 100 lbs plus more, isn't that always the way it works?  The day I graduated from high school my brother was hit by a car at a graduation party and killed.  My world was devastated.  So now I was carrying the bitterness of the bullying in school, the betrayal of friends and the loss of my brother.  On the outside, I was fat, but smiling, putting on a brave face for the world.  But to those closest to me; my family most of all, I was an angry, negative person that no one wanted to be around!  The littlest things would set me off!  I was miserable and I made those closest to me miserable too! 

For the next several years I was in this seemingly endless cycle of losing and gaining weight.  Lose 100, gain 150.  And each time I gained it back, I gained a little more anger.  Nothing made me happy.  I made bad choice after bad choice, seeking approval and self worth in all the wrong places.  I moved to Clifton, I moved to Northern KY and eventually moved to Brooklyn, NY....searching for something to make the anger, the hurt, the disappointment inside me go away!  But it was always there.

In 2006 I moved back to Batavia after being in NY for 2 years.  After an adjustment period and a rough patch I finally started to feel like I was settling in to a good place.  Things were starting to take shape for me.  I was successful at my job, had started taking photos on the side which is a passion of mine and I was surrounded by my amazing family and the best friends.  And then 2009 came along.

2009 was the year that totally shook me to my core!  Mom had been tired, moody, withdrawn and had no energy.  Mentally I thought I prepared myself that something was wrong....can you ever really be prepared to hear that the person you love and admire most in this world has cancer?  The answer is NO!

Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer.  Crushing blow.  Immediately I went into care taker mode.  I had watched her take care of everyone around me, including me my whole life.  And I mimicked her as best I could.  And I valued her in a way I never had before.  Being a care taker is HARD.  You feel the most crazy mixed emotions.  I was a wreck physically and emotionally!  Did I mention that at the same time my sister's new baby had been born with TEF and undergone surgeries and spent time in the NICU and....oh yeah, I lost my job!  OUCH!!!!!!!  So focusing on myself or my goals or my health was FAR from important to me.  Until the most important person to me let me know how important it was to her!

Most of you know the story.  I weighed a whopping 419, Mom had been undergoing aggressive chemotherapy for months.  And along came the Break the Silence Ovarian Cancer 5k.  She asked me to walk...so I walked; correction, I tried to!  An important side note as to who I was at that moment.  I would smile and do anything in the world for the people I valued most, but the littlest things would set off the anger and darkness that was buried inside me.  The morning of the walk things did not go my way.  My sister had logistic issues getting her whole family to the walk.  Through tears I screamed at her on the phone on our drive there.  Telling her I was "walking for MY mom because it was important to her..." etc...ridiculous....bitter....I am so not proud of that moment or many moments like that where I was hateful and angry.

My sister's family arrived at the walk along with my uncle.  We started out as a family to complete this 5k that meant so much to my mom.  Not even a mile in I began to hyperventilate.  I could not breathe, I was crying, I was angry, I was humiliated.  Above all, I felt like I was letting my mom down.  I sat down and waited for my family.  My uncle made a comment about my weight and how I needed to be moving every day and it infuriated me, who did he think he was was my thought.  To this day his comments fuel me, they keep me pushing when I think I can't.  And he is now one of my biggest supporters!  As they made the loop and came back I finished the walk with them.  Mom walked the whole 5k, I hadn't even walked a mile!  Afterward she made a request that would change my life.  She said, "I need you to be around to take care of me.  Will you please get healthy for me."  She could ask me to do anything and I would do it.  And so my journey began...I know what you are thinking, get to the point already!  LOL 

When I started this a year and a half ago at 419 lbs, I had no idea the change that would take place in my life.  I hoped for physical change.  But never counted on the mental and emotional changes that came as well.  I have done diet after diet...always with great success...for a time.  My challenge this go round was to get to goal and to keep it off.  Something I had never been able to do.  Though at the time I had no idea how I would do it or the struggles I would face along the way.  I also had no clue that I would be my biggest obstacle.

My plan was basic.  I will count calories and workout.  I had never worked out before!!  But I knew I had to be active to be successful.  I joined Curves with a friend and immediately signed up for the Biggest Loser Challenge they had going.  My first workout there I got on the leg press and the employee had to pull it back for me because my stomach was so big I could not do it myself.  Embarrassing for me at the time, but fueled the fire that had started in me.  I immediately became almost the Curves poster child.  The ladies loved me, supported me, cheered me on.  They wanted my success as much as I did!  I will forever be grateful to them.  They played a huge role in building my confidence and keeping me motivated.  At this point I was working out at Curves daily and living on Lean Pockets, baked chips and 100 calorie packs.  At the time, it worked.  Weight fell off of me.  My friend Stephanie and I won the Biggest Loser Challenge took the money and went to NYC!  I was on top of the world!  The best part was I was starting to let go of the anger inside me, to take responsibility for my attitude and to really see the world differently.  It wasn't about who wronged me, it was about what could I do to inspire others and not see anyone stuck where I was stuck for SO LONG!  I wasted so much of my life!
 

Mom's cancer was gone, she was inspired and joined Curves with me, I took a part time job there helping out.  Life was good!!!  And it is easy to ride the wave when things are going good.  Mom stayed cancer free almost a year...and I was down over 100 lbs!  Then Oct 2010 arrived....and with it, more bad news.  Mom's cancer was back!  I hit a wall.  I stopped working out, I let myself cheat, didn't keep a journal.  I was bitter.  And just a small taste of that reminded me that I had come so far and I never wanted to go back there.  I made the choice to suck it up, to find the inner strength that had once fueled me and push through....for my mom; for ME!

Cancer sucks, bad!  And it has taken a lot of things from my Mom and our family...but it has given us a lot of things as well!  It opened my eyes and gave me my life back!  It gave our whole family a new appreciation for time spent...for life!  When my Mom asked me to get healthy she didn't say get skinny.  Which is what I had always worked towards in the past.  She said, "Get healthy."  So, my whole approach to weight loss this time around has been different.  Sure, I love buying new clothes and going down 9 sizes, from a 30 to a 14...but I LOVE even more that my blood pressure is better than average, my cholesterol is fantastic!  I love that I can be active and breathe...that I can run and play with my nephews.  That I don't get winded walking short distances.  I love the years I have put back on my life!

In the beginning of this journey the weight fell off of me.  I worked hard, but I was losing 8 and 10 lbs a week!  Winning Biggest Loser Challenges, surpassing my personal goals!  I was on top of the world!  But 18 months later, it was WORK...HARD WORK!  I had to work my butt off for every half lb.  I put forth so much effort and sometimes the scale would defeat me...because it doesn't always show the hard work I put forth!  This is where the old Tiffany would grow complacent and give up!

BUT the new Tiffany, the Tiffany that believes she is worth the hard work, the Tiffany that knows she deserves a long and healthy life said, "I'll work harder."

In the past I was so insecure, I would NEVER have gone to a gym (other than Curves where I was always accepted and welcomed and encouraged no matter my size).  I would never have asked a trainer to work with me...I would think about my flabby arms or the small, fit girls who would be there...or the buff in shape guys I was sure to encounter and I would talk myself out of it...thinking I wasn't worth it!  BUT I AM!!! 

I am amazed still at how everything in life happens for a reason.  Enter Aaron Slusher, personal trainer.  Through random circumstances I came across Aaron and though never in my life would I have thought a personal trainer would work for me,  I reached out to him for help.  I had grown tired of working so hard for no results.  I had tried everything to bust my plateau and NOTHING worked.  Because the processed food, the lack of focus was all catching up to me.  I was working out at Curves, running on the trampoline, riding a bike, doing Zumba, etc....and I was just spinning my wheels, scale was dead locked.  I had lost 170 lbs and my body refused to give me one more lb. 

Aaron immediately saw lots of red flags in the program I was following.   Changing my thinking from 3 meals a day to eating every 3 hours was tough, I had programmed myself to never eat between meals, this was totally messing up my metabolism.  I also cut out the processed food...completely and all sugar!  WOW!  Talk about culture shock!  This from the girl who would not eat vegetables the first 30 years of her life and NOTHING green would ever pass my lips!  LOL  Boy things have changed!   We set up my first session to try it out and see if I thought it was something I wanted to do.  It was so out of my comfort zone.  And I loved it!  He pushes me, he doesn't let me slack, he forces me to examine my thinking and to let go of things that hold me back outside of the gym as well as in it!  I am excited and I KNOW I CAN DO IT!  That first day the gym was full of fit people...and not one time did I feel insecure...or inferior!  Because I deserve this and I have come so far!!  The 419 lb Tiffany who could not even get her legs up on the leg press without someone holding it back for her is GONE!  And she is never coming back!  I am setting goals that I never believed possible, that I would have thought were insane 2 years ago.

I have now completed 9 sessions with Aaron....I have lost over 20 lbs since my first session with him.  Making my total weight loss 190 lbs and 99.5 inches!  But to say it has all been great would be a lie.  I want to be brutally honest in sharing my story.  Part of that is being honest about my struggles.  I beat myself up constantly.  If I can't physically do something or I don't understand why he wants me to do something I get frustrated.  I also thought that after 18 months at Curves I knew how to work out.  I didn't have a clue!  I had no idea that I had to slow down and control my muscles.  I didn't know that my breathing and posture were crucial to getting the results I want.  I am learning daily.  I also have watched the Biggest Loser for years and always assumed their emotional break throughs were all about good TV.  But there is so much more to it.  I have had a few mini emotional break throughs and it is very liberating!

I am working on changing negative thoughts to positive ones.  I am a very positive person, but even one negative thought can hinder my results, so I have to constantly fight that battle!  I also have a few major struggles at the moment.  One is the way I see this journey.  You see, there is not a finish line.  I have "run this race" so to speak as if there was an ending.  But the truth is, this is a life long journey.  And each time I accomplish a goal, I need to set a new one.  I will never be satisfied to not continue getting better.  There will always be a new challenge ahead! 

My biggest battle is the scale.  I have lived and died by the number on the scale for so long.  Sure I would tell myself that I understood that weight fluctuates and different times of the month play a role in the number and that there are SO many factors to what the scale says.  But I still jumped on that thing several times a day.  Especially first thing in the morning, after I pee, before I shower, naked!  For best results!  LOL  But all joking aside, the number on the scale would derail me so often.  If I worked my butt off for days and followed my nutrition plan dilligently and the scale didn't move I immediately was discouraged.  I am slowly accepting that my clothes and the way my body looks will give me a more accurate picture!  I have challenged myself to hide the scale for 30 days!  It will be back out on June 17....this will be a battle for me, but if I am anything, I am determined!

On a positive note, I am feeling so excited and positive about the progress I am seeing!  The little things like being able to do an exercise unassisted that I couldn't do a month ago.  Or doing 10 reps when I could only do 3 a month ago.  These things are milestones.  And they are all the more reason to forget what the number on the scale is and celebrate the fact that I am making progress every day!

I know this is so long winded and I promise future posts won't be.  I had a lot to say and moving forward my posts will be current and I won't have "catching up" to do!

I know a lot of you want to know more about AdvoCare, the newest adventure I have taken on!  I would love to chat about the products, the business and the 24 Day Challenge!  I promise my next post will be about my experience on the Challenge!  It worked amazingly for me.  It busted me through the plateau that had me stuck for weeks!  In the mean time if you want to know more about it, let me know.  Or check out my website www.tifsadvocare.com.
  
As dramatic as my physical transformation has been...and will continue to be...it doesn't hold a candle to the internal transformation going on currently and that I promise will continue!  Keep watching and reading; your support has brought me through the peaks and valleys!  But like the song says..."ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side.  It's the climb."