New challenges....

It's been months since I have written a new blog...to those who support me and read this blog for encouragement I apologize.  As some of you know, my life has been full of new things.  Some amazing, some very difficult.  In the past six months I have fallen in love, got married, moved into a new home, celebrated with my mom when she found out she was cancer free for the second time, cried with her when she found out the cancer is back for a third time, watched my stepdad undergo a bypass and valve replacement and I have lost several loves ones, some to terrible disease, some tragic and unexpected.  This blog is about peaks and valleys....and as in most people's lives, I have sure had many of both!  I have always been brutally honest in this blog about my struggles.  And as hard as it is to admit failure, I am going to be brutally honest in this blog.

Anyone who has fallen in love...I mean real love, deep, strong, beyond a doubt meant to be love knows that it can be all consuming.  The emotion takes over your life in the beginning.  I lived the first 33 years of my life not caring about marriage and finding the one...and when he found me I was caught completely off guard.  I had a routine, in fact at that point I was obsessive, all consumed with health and fitness.  Suddenly I didn't know how to balance the two....

As a single person who was trying to be healthy I was in total control, I had no one to consider but myself. I had a routine.  Wake up at 3:45am, go to the gym, eat every 3 hours, crazy meals that consisted of 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 3 triscuits and a protein, vegetables and a protein, etc...it worked for me.  But when I became part of a "we" it didn't work for him.  In the beginning he tried to work with my routine, but he was miserable.  Because it was what I wanted, not what he wanted,  You see, you can't force your goals on someone else.  Don't get me wrong, he is 150% supportive, he wants to be healthy also.  But fanatical is not his desire.  It was mine.  My priorities shifted.  I went from being the girl who would leave a party, go home to eat healthy and go back to the party to the girl who was floundering trying to make healthy decisions and not knowing how to function socially.  And I realized I am the kind of person who needs a plan.  You give me a plan and I will follow it to a tee. You tell me to eat at x.y.z and exactly what to eat and I will do it, without fail.  But I wasn't learning to be healthy and make good choices, I was learning to follow a plan.  Plans are great, but life happens....and being healthy means you need to know what to do when your plan doesn't fit into every situation you are thrown into.

At the same time, I was planning a wedding, going on trips, my life was so busy.  And I was hit or miss at the gym.  Up until the wedding I still made it to the gym a few times a week.  But when the wedding was over, I bailed.  I stopped going, making every excuse.  The girl who just married the love of her life should be on top of the world, right??  Nope, I was in a valley....20 lbs quickly creeped back on....we had several deaths, lots of bad news...and instead of using the gym as an outlet, I gave up!  I would cry when I looked in the mirror, I would tell myself every day tomorrow is going to be different, but I was sinking....deeper and deeper into a really bad place.

I can't really say I had an ah ha moment that turned things around for me.  After Christmas I started slowly trying to get back on track....it's tough when you are out of the routine.  BUT I am worth it, my husband is worth it.  I love him enough to want to live a long healthy life with him.  I know that the same plea from my mom 3 years ago to get healthy rings true today.  She is still battling cancer....and I am still battling to be healthy.  She lives her life in a way that she knows the battle is never really over, you get comfortable and think it is, but no one is guaranteed tomorrow, and no one stays healthy without making their health a priority.

My goals have changed....I am not trying to be 140 and a size 5 any more....I have a husband who loves and supports me no matter what size I am.  My goal is to be a healthy weight and feel good.  To make being in the gym and eating healthy my goal every day!  I am not going to let fitness consume me, I want to enjoy my life while being healthy.  So, my journey, which is ever changing, is focusing on finding balance.  Living a full, happy life is my priority, loving the people in my life and enjoying them is more important than ever, continuing to lose weight and get fit is my goal!