Yes, I am quoting a Garth Brooks song to start off this blog. It's funny, the song How You Ever Gonna Know has been my anthem through many big experiences in my life. When I moved to NYC I played it on repeat, strengthening my resolve and reminding myself over and over "how you ever gonna know..." Today after a great talk with my trainer, Aaron, he ended the conversation with, I think you have a new blog...and as I sit here deciding how to get all these thoughts out, I remembered the song and how much truth it holds! Thanks Garth!
I have to first admit that I failed. But I need to quickly say that I also learned a very important lesson in re-evaluating failure. As you all know, I committed to not weighing myself for 30 days. For my whole life I have measured my self worth by the number on the scale. To a point that it has become a detriment to me. I made it 20 days, which is a small victory in and of itself. But this weekend my mom and I made a silly mistake that could have been ugly. And I would even go so far as to say would have been ugly even 2 months ago. To date I have lost 190 lbs...so close to being down 200 lbs. Over the last 2 weeks people have been commenting on the changes to my body, I have been very aware of those changes, my clothes are getting bigger on me. All signs that I would have missed in the past. But because of these things I was confident I was going to have a big weight loss when I eventually got on the scale. We started wondering outloud if I had hit that 200 mark. And from there we hatched a plan that seemed fool proof. I would get on the scale, she would look, but I wouldn't! Even repeating it now it sounds ridiculous! BUT that is exactly what we did. My mom's reaction when I got on the scale told me EVERYTHING! Not only had I not lost....I had gained! She wouldn't tell me how much, but immediately I had tears in my eyes. And my heart sank. And honestly, I was pissed off! I do not cheat. One strength I possess is will power. And I have followed my nutrition plan 100%. I have trained and done cardio and how the hell did I gain!?!? This was the dialogue in my head. We were headed out and I decided to just shake it off as best I could. But it was gnawing at me most of the day. The next morning I had to know for myself. So Sunday morning I got on the scale. I was up 2 lbs! :(
Most of the day it weighed on me. Gnawing at me. All these crazy thoughts like, "just don't eat today." or "work out for an extra hour." were running through my head. But I fought those negative thoughts and I held on to what I have been taught by people in my life much more experienced in fitness and health than I am. I remembered all the things I have been saying to the girls doing the Challenge right now to motivate and encourage them. Those aren't empty words, they have power. And they are true! So I continued on the program that I have been on the past 2 months.
As the day went on I really turned it over in my head. I visited with friends that night and they were encouraging and offered solutions and reminded me of things I know, but don't always put into practice. I was terrified to tell Aaron I had weighed myself...afraid he would be mad. I knew I had failed.
But somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday it all clicked! All these lessons Aaron has been drilling in my head for months...all these things I hear, but don't hear. And now I get it! It is like one big giant puzzle. And the puzzle is not complete without all the pieces. The number on the scale is only one piece of the puzzle. All those changes I have noticed in my body, the changes others are noticing are real...and true indicators of my success. There are many reasons that the scale went up, none of which have a thing to do with failure. Water retention, lack of sleep, stress, the fact that I am building muscle...the list goes on and on! So, no matter what the number on the scale is, I didn't fail!! I am still closer to my goals than I was 20 days ago! And the bell went off that I have set all my goals around numbers....lose 100 lbs, lose 200 lbs...etc...but what about other goals. A good friend told me last night to set physical goals for myself. If I can run 4 minutes on the treadmill this week, my goal is 5 minutes...that is measurable...and there are no outside factors that can cloud the results. As I was running stairs during my workout this morning I realized 2 weeks ago I could barely breathe running stairs...today, I was a bit winded, my heart rate was up, but I was good, I could breathe!!! SUCCESS!!
I weighed myself again today, I haven't beat it yet, the scale still haunts me. But today those 2 lbs were gone! :) And I put the scale away! I am setting a more realistic goal for myself this time. I am not going to weigh again for 10 days. And I am going to change my expectations! When I had 250 lbs to lose, I lost it much faster. And now that I am closing in on my goal, I have to work harder for each lb. And they don't fall off at a rate of 5-8 lbs a week anymore. It is unrealistic. But as my friend Johnnie says, I am in this for life! So, quick results don't matter. I will get there...but even when I get there the journey is not over! :) And these lessons I am learning along the way will help me to be successful for life!
So, I failed...but I succeeded in my failure! And I am so ok with that!! And Aaron didn't even get mad at me for weighing myself...because the lesson I learned was valuable! I think I even made him proud! :)
Any of you struggling with not seeing results on the scale...or not seeing the results you want....get out a measuring tape, do your measurements, check how your clothes feel, get in touch with your body, know it...notice the physical changes your body is making, notice the physical goals you have reached. SLEEP, it is crucial to weight loss. DON'T STRESS, it will halt your weight loss! All pieces of one puzzle! Again, I am so blessed that I have had some amazing people come into my life! Thanks Aaron...Johnnie and Mike...Jill and all of you who comment and encourage me! I hope that the struggles I face, the lessons I learn can help you in some small way!
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