It's been months since I have written a new blog...to those who support me and read this blog for encouragement I apologize. As some of you know, my life has been full of new things. Some amazing, some very difficult. In the past six months I have fallen in love, got married, moved into a new home, celebrated with my mom when she found out she was cancer free for the second time, cried with her when she found out the cancer is back for a third time, watched my stepdad undergo a bypass and valve replacement and I have lost several loves ones, some to terrible disease, some tragic and unexpected. This blog is about peaks and valleys....and as in most people's lives, I have sure had many of both! I have always been brutally honest in this blog about my struggles. And as hard as it is to admit failure, I am going to be brutally honest in this blog.
Anyone who has fallen in love...I mean real love, deep, strong, beyond a doubt meant to be love knows that it can be all consuming. The emotion takes over your life in the beginning. I lived the first 33 years of my life not caring about marriage and finding the one...and when he found me I was caught completely off guard. I had a routine, in fact at that point I was obsessive, all consumed with health and fitness. Suddenly I didn't know how to balance the two....
As a single person who was trying to be healthy I was in total control, I had no one to consider but myself. I had a routine. Wake up at 3:45am, go to the gym, eat every 3 hours, crazy meals that consisted of 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 3 triscuits and a protein, vegetables and a protein, etc...it worked for me. But when I became part of a "we" it didn't work for him. In the beginning he tried to work with my routine, but he was miserable. Because it was what I wanted, not what he wanted, You see, you can't force your goals on someone else. Don't get me wrong, he is 150% supportive, he wants to be healthy also. But fanatical is not his desire. It was mine. My priorities shifted. I went from being the girl who would leave a party, go home to eat healthy and go back to the party to the girl who was floundering trying to make healthy decisions and not knowing how to function socially. And I realized I am the kind of person who needs a plan. You give me a plan and I will follow it to a tee. You tell me to eat at x.y.z and exactly what to eat and I will do it, without fail. But I wasn't learning to be healthy and make good choices, I was learning to follow a plan. Plans are great, but life happens....and being healthy means you need to know what to do when your plan doesn't fit into every situation you are thrown into.
At the same time, I was planning a wedding, going on trips, my life was so busy. And I was hit or miss at the gym. Up until the wedding I still made it to the gym a few times a week. But when the wedding was over, I bailed. I stopped going, making every excuse. The girl who just married the love of her life should be on top of the world, right?? Nope, I was in a valley....20 lbs quickly creeped back on....we had several deaths, lots of bad news...and instead of using the gym as an outlet, I gave up! I would cry when I looked in the mirror, I would tell myself every day tomorrow is going to be different, but I was sinking....deeper and deeper into a really bad place.
I can't really say I had an ah ha moment that turned things around for me. After Christmas I started slowly trying to get back on track....it's tough when you are out of the routine. BUT I am worth it, my husband is worth it. I love him enough to want to live a long healthy life with him. I know that the same plea from my mom 3 years ago to get healthy rings true today. She is still battling cancer....and I am still battling to be healthy. She lives her life in a way that she knows the battle is never really over, you get comfortable and think it is, but no one is guaranteed tomorrow, and no one stays healthy without making their health a priority.
My goals have changed....I am not trying to be 140 and a size 5 any more....I have a husband who loves and supports me no matter what size I am. My goal is to be a healthy weight and feel good. To make being in the gym and eating healthy my goal every day! I am not going to let fitness consume me, I want to enjoy my life while being healthy. So, my journey, which is ever changing, is focusing on finding balance. Living a full, happy life is my priority, loving the people in my life and enjoying them is more important than ever, continuing to lose weight and get fit is my goal!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Life has a way of taking you places you never thought you'd go. I am a planner....to a fault. I sometimes have a hard time "going with the flow" or being spontaneous. I like to make a plan and execute it. Maybe it's a control issue. Maybe it's because I have worked in sales and event planning for over 10 years? Who knows? But this applies to all areas of my life.
I am recently learning that there are times in your life where plans change....and it's ok!! Sometimes the plan you put in place, the plan that was perfect for you when you began a journey is not the same plan that will get you to your ultimate goal. As you change and grow, your plan needs to also! Change is hard for most of us....but as I have changed physically over the past 2 years, my plan has constantly changed and evolved with me! The times I refused to change the plan because of my stubborn need to feel in control, I failed!
I haven't blogged in awhile...a lot has changed in my life in the last month. New relationship, new training plan, new gym, new nutrition plan. Change is hard! Even when the change is good. I have struggled to find my way, to not lose sight of my goals in the midst of this change. And I am most proud to say that I have weathered the change and come out on top! This week I started a new training schedule. My body is being pushed and it is SORE! But I feel great and I love it! Another success I am incredibly proud of is the fact that I no longer feel tied to the scale! I have officially lost 208 lbs....and I have only weighed myself 2 times in the past month! And in between those weigh ins I haven't even thought about it! This is HUGE for me! Bigger than breaking that addiction was seeing first hand that it is so true that the scale does not know it all. Up until a month ago I was weight training 3 times a week....my scale was not always moving as quickly as I liked, but I was toning and my body was definitely showing results...a month ago I stopped the weight training....and though my scale continued going down, my body got softer.....the scale doesn't tell it all!! It feels good to be training again. Closer to my goals than ever! My number one goal when I started was health...and as I write this I am healthier than ever....my mom, my inspiration to begin this journey, is now in remission a 2nd time from ovarian cancer....and I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life! My plans have changed a little...ok a lot....but I am strong enough to adapt! And keep my goals in sight! You are too....wherever you are on your journey, no matter what curve balls come your way that weren't part of the plan...you can handle it! Don't beat yourself up if you aren't perfect, or fall a bit on the journey! Pick yourself back up and move forward with renewed strength...because remember...this journey to health is lifelong....and in life, things come up, things go wrong, things change....and your ability to adapt and most importantly, your ability to not quit when you hit a stumbling block will be key to lifelong success!
I am recently learning that there are times in your life where plans change....and it's ok!! Sometimes the plan you put in place, the plan that was perfect for you when you began a journey is not the same plan that will get you to your ultimate goal. As you change and grow, your plan needs to also! Change is hard for most of us....but as I have changed physically over the past 2 years, my plan has constantly changed and evolved with me! The times I refused to change the plan because of my stubborn need to feel in control, I failed!
I haven't blogged in awhile...a lot has changed in my life in the last month. New relationship, new training plan, new gym, new nutrition plan. Change is hard! Even when the change is good. I have struggled to find my way, to not lose sight of my goals in the midst of this change. And I am most proud to say that I have weathered the change and come out on top! This week I started a new training schedule. My body is being pushed and it is SORE! But I feel great and I love it! Another success I am incredibly proud of is the fact that I no longer feel tied to the scale! I have officially lost 208 lbs....and I have only weighed myself 2 times in the past month! And in between those weigh ins I haven't even thought about it! This is HUGE for me! Bigger than breaking that addiction was seeing first hand that it is so true that the scale does not know it all. Up until a month ago I was weight training 3 times a week....my scale was not always moving as quickly as I liked, but I was toning and my body was definitely showing results...a month ago I stopped the weight training....and though my scale continued going down, my body got softer.....the scale doesn't tell it all!! It feels good to be training again. Closer to my goals than ever! My number one goal when I started was health...and as I write this I am healthier than ever....my mom, my inspiration to begin this journey, is now in remission a 2nd time from ovarian cancer....and I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life! My plans have changed a little...ok a lot....but I am strong enough to adapt! And keep my goals in sight! You are too....wherever you are on your journey, no matter what curve balls come your way that weren't part of the plan...you can handle it! Don't beat yourself up if you aren't perfect, or fall a bit on the journey! Pick yourself back up and move forward with renewed strength...because remember...this journey to health is lifelong....and in life, things come up, things go wrong, things change....and your ability to adapt and most importantly, your ability to not quit when you hit a stumbling block will be key to lifelong success!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it's learned."
Yes, I am quoting a Garth Brooks song to start off this blog. It's funny, the song How You Ever Gonna Know has been my anthem through many big experiences in my life. When I moved to NYC I played it on repeat, strengthening my resolve and reminding myself over and over "how you ever gonna know..." Today after a great talk with my trainer, Aaron, he ended the conversation with, I think you have a new blog...and as I sit here deciding how to get all these thoughts out, I remembered the song and how much truth it holds! Thanks Garth!
I have to first admit that I failed. But I need to quickly say that I also learned a very important lesson in re-evaluating failure. As you all know, I committed to not weighing myself for 30 days. For my whole life I have measured my self worth by the number on the scale. To a point that it has become a detriment to me. I made it 20 days, which is a small victory in and of itself. But this weekend my mom and I made a silly mistake that could have been ugly. And I would even go so far as to say would have been ugly even 2 months ago. To date I have lost 190 lbs...so close to being down 200 lbs. Over the last 2 weeks people have been commenting on the changes to my body, I have been very aware of those changes, my clothes are getting bigger on me. All signs that I would have missed in the past. But because of these things I was confident I was going to have a big weight loss when I eventually got on the scale. We started wondering outloud if I had hit that 200 mark. And from there we hatched a plan that seemed fool proof. I would get on the scale, she would look, but I wouldn't! Even repeating it now it sounds ridiculous! BUT that is exactly what we did. My mom's reaction when I got on the scale told me EVERYTHING! Not only had I not lost....I had gained! She wouldn't tell me how much, but immediately I had tears in my eyes. And my heart sank. And honestly, I was pissed off! I do not cheat. One strength I possess is will power. And I have followed my nutrition plan 100%. I have trained and done cardio and how the hell did I gain!?!? This was the dialogue in my head. We were headed out and I decided to just shake it off as best I could. But it was gnawing at me most of the day. The next morning I had to know for myself. So Sunday morning I got on the scale. I was up 2 lbs! :(
Most of the day it weighed on me. Gnawing at me. All these crazy thoughts like, "just don't eat today." or "work out for an extra hour." were running through my head. But I fought those negative thoughts and I held on to what I have been taught by people in my life much more experienced in fitness and health than I am. I remembered all the things I have been saying to the girls doing the Challenge right now to motivate and encourage them. Those aren't empty words, they have power. And they are true! So I continued on the program that I have been on the past 2 months.
As the day went on I really turned it over in my head. I visited with friends that night and they were encouraging and offered solutions and reminded me of things I know, but don't always put into practice. I was terrified to tell Aaron I had weighed myself...afraid he would be mad. I knew I had failed.
But somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday it all clicked! All these lessons Aaron has been drilling in my head for months...all these things I hear, but don't hear. And now I get it! It is like one big giant puzzle. And the puzzle is not complete without all the pieces. The number on the scale is only one piece of the puzzle. All those changes I have noticed in my body, the changes others are noticing are real...and true indicators of my success. There are many reasons that the scale went up, none of which have a thing to do with failure. Water retention, lack of sleep, stress, the fact that I am building muscle...the list goes on and on! So, no matter what the number on the scale is, I didn't fail!! I am still closer to my goals than I was 20 days ago! And the bell went off that I have set all my goals around numbers....lose 100 lbs, lose 200 lbs...etc...but what about other goals. A good friend told me last night to set physical goals for myself. If I can run 4 minutes on the treadmill this week, my goal is 5 minutes...that is measurable...and there are no outside factors that can cloud the results. As I was running stairs during my workout this morning I realized 2 weeks ago I could barely breathe running stairs...today, I was a bit winded, my heart rate was up, but I was good, I could breathe!!! SUCCESS!!
I weighed myself again today, I haven't beat it yet, the scale still haunts me. But today those 2 lbs were gone! :) And I put the scale away! I am setting a more realistic goal for myself this time. I am not going to weigh again for 10 days. And I am going to change my expectations! When I had 250 lbs to lose, I lost it much faster. And now that I am closing in on my goal, I have to work harder for each lb. And they don't fall off at a rate of 5-8 lbs a week anymore. It is unrealistic. But as my friend Johnnie says, I am in this for life! So, quick results don't matter. I will get there...but even when I get there the journey is not over! :) And these lessons I am learning along the way will help me to be successful for life!
So, I failed...but I succeeded in my failure! And I am so ok with that!! And Aaron didn't even get mad at me for weighing myself...because the lesson I learned was valuable! I think I even made him proud! :)
Any of you struggling with not seeing results on the scale...or not seeing the results you want....get out a measuring tape, do your measurements, check how your clothes feel, get in touch with your body, know it...notice the physical changes your body is making, notice the physical goals you have reached. SLEEP, it is crucial to weight loss. DON'T STRESS, it will halt your weight loss! All pieces of one puzzle! Again, I am so blessed that I have had some amazing people come into my life! Thanks Aaron...Johnnie and Mike...Jill and all of you who comment and encourage me! I hope that the struggles I face, the lessons I learn can help you in some small way!
I have to first admit that I failed. But I need to quickly say that I also learned a very important lesson in re-evaluating failure. As you all know, I committed to not weighing myself for 30 days. For my whole life I have measured my self worth by the number on the scale. To a point that it has become a detriment to me. I made it 20 days, which is a small victory in and of itself. But this weekend my mom and I made a silly mistake that could have been ugly. And I would even go so far as to say would have been ugly even 2 months ago. To date I have lost 190 lbs...so close to being down 200 lbs. Over the last 2 weeks people have been commenting on the changes to my body, I have been very aware of those changes, my clothes are getting bigger on me. All signs that I would have missed in the past. But because of these things I was confident I was going to have a big weight loss when I eventually got on the scale. We started wondering outloud if I had hit that 200 mark. And from there we hatched a plan that seemed fool proof. I would get on the scale, she would look, but I wouldn't! Even repeating it now it sounds ridiculous! BUT that is exactly what we did. My mom's reaction when I got on the scale told me EVERYTHING! Not only had I not lost....I had gained! She wouldn't tell me how much, but immediately I had tears in my eyes. And my heart sank. And honestly, I was pissed off! I do not cheat. One strength I possess is will power. And I have followed my nutrition plan 100%. I have trained and done cardio and how the hell did I gain!?!? This was the dialogue in my head. We were headed out and I decided to just shake it off as best I could. But it was gnawing at me most of the day. The next morning I had to know for myself. So Sunday morning I got on the scale. I was up 2 lbs! :(
Most of the day it weighed on me. Gnawing at me. All these crazy thoughts like, "just don't eat today." or "work out for an extra hour." were running through my head. But I fought those negative thoughts and I held on to what I have been taught by people in my life much more experienced in fitness and health than I am. I remembered all the things I have been saying to the girls doing the Challenge right now to motivate and encourage them. Those aren't empty words, they have power. And they are true! So I continued on the program that I have been on the past 2 months.
As the day went on I really turned it over in my head. I visited with friends that night and they were encouraging and offered solutions and reminded me of things I know, but don't always put into practice. I was terrified to tell Aaron I had weighed myself...afraid he would be mad. I knew I had failed.
But somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday it all clicked! All these lessons Aaron has been drilling in my head for months...all these things I hear, but don't hear. And now I get it! It is like one big giant puzzle. And the puzzle is not complete without all the pieces. The number on the scale is only one piece of the puzzle. All those changes I have noticed in my body, the changes others are noticing are real...and true indicators of my success. There are many reasons that the scale went up, none of which have a thing to do with failure. Water retention, lack of sleep, stress, the fact that I am building muscle...the list goes on and on! So, no matter what the number on the scale is, I didn't fail!! I am still closer to my goals than I was 20 days ago! And the bell went off that I have set all my goals around numbers....lose 100 lbs, lose 200 lbs...etc...but what about other goals. A good friend told me last night to set physical goals for myself. If I can run 4 minutes on the treadmill this week, my goal is 5 minutes...that is measurable...and there are no outside factors that can cloud the results. As I was running stairs during my workout this morning I realized 2 weeks ago I could barely breathe running stairs...today, I was a bit winded, my heart rate was up, but I was good, I could breathe!!! SUCCESS!!
I weighed myself again today, I haven't beat it yet, the scale still haunts me. But today those 2 lbs were gone! :) And I put the scale away! I am setting a more realistic goal for myself this time. I am not going to weigh again for 10 days. And I am going to change my expectations! When I had 250 lbs to lose, I lost it much faster. And now that I am closing in on my goal, I have to work harder for each lb. And they don't fall off at a rate of 5-8 lbs a week anymore. It is unrealistic. But as my friend Johnnie says, I am in this for life! So, quick results don't matter. I will get there...but even when I get there the journey is not over! :) And these lessons I am learning along the way will help me to be successful for life!
So, I failed...but I succeeded in my failure! And I am so ok with that!! And Aaron didn't even get mad at me for weighing myself...because the lesson I learned was valuable! I think I even made him proud! :)
Any of you struggling with not seeing results on the scale...or not seeing the results you want....get out a measuring tape, do your measurements, check how your clothes feel, get in touch with your body, know it...notice the physical changes your body is making, notice the physical goals you have reached. SLEEP, it is crucial to weight loss. DON'T STRESS, it will halt your weight loss! All pieces of one puzzle! Again, I am so blessed that I have had some amazing people come into my life! Thanks Aaron...Johnnie and Mike...Jill and all of you who comment and encourage me! I hope that the struggles I face, the lessons I learn can help you in some small way!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Skin You're In
For the most part I am a positive person. I go through my days feeling inspired and motivated. But occasionally I hit a speed bump or two....this past week was a tough week for me. Stress can really take a toll on your body! I went through the week full of stress and worry and just plain exhausted due to things out of my control to change! Friday late afternoon I jumped in the shower to get ready for my night and the weight of the week hit me in a way I wasn't prepared for! You see, I haven't been on the scale in close to 20 days now...And along with that I am trying not to obsess in the mirror over my body. But for whatever reason when I got in the shower last night I obsessed. And I freaked out! I've lost over 190 lbs....and there is a lot of skin! I have been amazed as I have lost weight that I have only really had skin in a few problem areas....but oh no, not anymore! Now it is EVERYWHERE!
I had a moment in the shower where I started down the path to self loathing....and then I stopped! NO WAY can I afford that kind of set back! I remembered a conversation my best friend Rachael and I had on Memorial Day and it really got me thinking. Rachael has lost at least 40 lbs and is that dreaded "few lbs from goal"...you know, those last few lbs that you lose an ounce at a time. Rachael works hard and inspires me, she has 3 kids and a very busy family life and she still makes her health a priority! Every time we are together we talk fitness and nutrition, it's nice to have someone who just gets it....she understands the struggles, the successes and the mental wars we women sometimes wage with ourselves!
Rachael and I were talking Monday about extra skin and stretch marks. Rachael's youngest is just 6 months old. We were talking about how most women are uncomfortable with their stomachs. She said that when she looks at her stomach and it's minor imperfections she thinks of the 3 beautiful children she carried in there and remembers that it was worth it, it makes the negative a very positive! This made me think. I have no children....what did I carry? Initially my answer was fat and it made me disgusted and angry at myself. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I too can look at my imperfections and find something positive!
Most of my life I was full of anger, bitterness, depression....my skin was stretched so far around all of those emotions. But as I lose the weight I lose those things as well....I am letting go of all things negative. Though my body wasn't stretched to accommodate a child it had been stretched to accommodate things that were holding me back and losing them gave birth to a new me! Losing the lbs I also lost the anger, the bitterness....I am a much happier person! And HEALTHY!!!! So I look at my extra skin and where I still hate it, it reminds me that I have come so far...that I have lost so much and that I have gained a whole new perspective on life!
I am not yet at my goal. In all honesty, I am probably still 50 lbs from my goal. But of those 50 lbs, 20-25 lbs are skin. To stop and consider that without the skin I am only 25 lbs away from the biggest goal I have ever set is pretty remarkable! I can let myself get side tracked or I can keep pushing through, focusing on the positive! I choose to focus on the positive!
As if a message directly to me, last night as I was watching TV there was a news story about a man who lost half his body weight. They showed all the skin and it surprisingly made me feel better about it. I am not alone...and would I rather have this excess skin for awhile or be where I was 2 years ago. That's a no brainer!
So for now, I keep my eye on the goal and not my flabby arms or stomach! I remember that when I can afford it I will have the skin removal surgery and the skin, like the negativity it held for so long, will be gone for good! I also remember that I plan to donate all of that skin to Shriner's Hospital for burn victims....a way of turning something so negative in my life into something positive! That seems to be the recurring theme in my life!! And I am so glad I have the strength to choose, for today, not to let the skin I am in weigh me down! I say for today because I know this is a battle I will face over and over until I can afford the surgery! And every day I will keep fighting to remember that my strength and courage, my heart and soul make me beautiful, not the size of my arms or how flat my stomach is!
I had a moment in the shower where I started down the path to self loathing....and then I stopped! NO WAY can I afford that kind of set back! I remembered a conversation my best friend Rachael and I had on Memorial Day and it really got me thinking. Rachael has lost at least 40 lbs and is that dreaded "few lbs from goal"...you know, those last few lbs that you lose an ounce at a time. Rachael works hard and inspires me, she has 3 kids and a very busy family life and she still makes her health a priority! Every time we are together we talk fitness and nutrition, it's nice to have someone who just gets it....she understands the struggles, the successes and the mental wars we women sometimes wage with ourselves!
Rachael and I were talking Monday about extra skin and stretch marks. Rachael's youngest is just 6 months old. We were talking about how most women are uncomfortable with their stomachs. She said that when she looks at her stomach and it's minor imperfections she thinks of the 3 beautiful children she carried in there and remembers that it was worth it, it makes the negative a very positive! This made me think. I have no children....what did I carry? Initially my answer was fat and it made me disgusted and angry at myself. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I too can look at my imperfections and find something positive!
Most of my life I was full of anger, bitterness, depression....my skin was stretched so far around all of those emotions. But as I lose the weight I lose those things as well....I am letting go of all things negative. Though my body wasn't stretched to accommodate a child it had been stretched to accommodate things that were holding me back and losing them gave birth to a new me! Losing the lbs I also lost the anger, the bitterness....I am a much happier person! And HEALTHY!!!! So I look at my extra skin and where I still hate it, it reminds me that I have come so far...that I have lost so much and that I have gained a whole new perspective on life!
I am not yet at my goal. In all honesty, I am probably still 50 lbs from my goal. But of those 50 lbs, 20-25 lbs are skin. To stop and consider that without the skin I am only 25 lbs away from the biggest goal I have ever set is pretty remarkable! I can let myself get side tracked or I can keep pushing through, focusing on the positive! I choose to focus on the positive!
As if a message directly to me, last night as I was watching TV there was a news story about a man who lost half his body weight. They showed all the skin and it surprisingly made me feel better about it. I am not alone...and would I rather have this excess skin for awhile or be where I was 2 years ago. That's a no brainer!
So for now, I keep my eye on the goal and not my flabby arms or stomach! I remember that when I can afford it I will have the skin removal surgery and the skin, like the negativity it held for so long, will be gone for good! I also remember that I plan to donate all of that skin to Shriner's Hospital for burn victims....a way of turning something so negative in my life into something positive! That seems to be the recurring theme in my life!! And I am so glad I have the strength to choose, for today, not to let the skin I am in weigh me down! I say for today because I know this is a battle I will face over and over until I can afford the surgery! And every day I will keep fighting to remember that my strength and courage, my heart and soul make me beautiful, not the size of my arms or how flat my stomach is!
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Company You Keep Keeps You....
"Tell me what company you keep and I'll tell you what you are."
-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
It's amazing all the things you outgrow as you go through a life changing transformation. I think back on my journey and I am amazed at the things that I have let go of; some willingly and some without me even realizing I was letting go. There are things that I let go of with ease, or naturally and there are things that have had to be pried from my grasp! In the beginning I let go of my fear of failure and decided to take the first steps to get healthy. This was a tough step, so many around me wanted me to be healthy and the fear of failing them was even more overwhelming than the fear of failing myself. I made a choice to turn that fear into motivation and it began to fuel me.
The list of things I've let go of is huge and for each thing I have given up I have replaced it with something that makes me stronger. I gave up fast food, soda, chips and processed foods for vegetables, fruit, water and protein. I gave up staying up late and not getting enough sleep and replaced it with 5:30am training sessions at the gym. I gave up all the clothes I have outgrown for clothes in my new smaller size. As I think about these and the many other things that I have given up and the reasons for doing so I ask myself, "are there people I have also outgrown?"
I think back on times in my life when I was at my lowest and the people that helped me and hindered me. Those who were positive and encouraging and tried lifting me from those low points, I often found annoying, yet the people who would bitch and moan with me and let me complain, I clung to them. Why is that? Because misery loves company! I know it sounds cliche, but it is so true! As I focus daily on being a positive person who is striving to better myself on the inside and the outside, I realize that yes, I can't cling to people who are negative and still be successful. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I should ditch my friends and find all new ones. Everyone has bad days or times where they need to vent, me included. We all have occasions in life where we are negative, but they should be brief moments and not the norm of our daily life. I am examining the people that influence me, the people I draw energy from, the people who make a difference in my day to day life and most importantly in the way I think. Not only the way I think about life and circumstances, but the way I think about myself.
I am the first to tell you I am amazingly blessed. I have a support system that is deep and wide! I have family, friends and complete strangers who reach out to me and encourage me daily. Without that I would have given up many times. That being said, there are still those people in my life that constantly plant seeds of doubt in my head. They question my goals, they feed on negativity. My trainer calls these people energy vampires. They suck the positive life and energy out of me. Maybe I am naive or maybe I just like to see the good in people, but in the past I have given people the benefit of the doubt. I have believed that people who love me would not want to see me fail. And I would have argued that with anyone until I was blue in the face. But the more I change internally and the harder I work to be positive the more aware I am of the influence other people have on my mood, my mind set and the overall success I have. When I am surrounded by positive, healthy people who have goals and aspire to reach them, I am fueled to work harder. It pumps me up. And on the flip side, when I am surrounded by people who question my goals, who complain about life and see the negative in every situation, I find myself shrinking and questioning and doubting. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person who believes that no goal is out of my reach. The person who believes no matter what I set my mind to do, I can do! The person who knows that no matter what set of circumstances life deals me, I will rise above it.
As difficult as it is to say, I do think there are times in your life where you have to let go of people. I don't think you always have to cut them out of your life completely, but you change the way you interact with them. And most importantly, you take control of the way they interact with you! This is a really hard thing to do. I am struggling with it currently. But just like every other thing I have given up on this journey I have to replace the negative with a positive. I can't let the company I keep, keep me from reaching my goals. I make the choice to surround myself with driven people who have goals and encourage mine. People who hold me accountable and push me when I am weak and can't push myself. And my responsibility is to do the same for them.
If there are people in your life who hold you back, free yourself of their hold. Stop letting them cause doubt, stop letting them bring you down. You are worth the effort it takes to stand up to energy vampires! I have this conversation with myself daily! Try it, it helps!!
On a different note, 10 days without weighing in....the scale is one more thing I have "given up". For a month at least! :) I have had anxiety over this, definitely. But finding other ways to track my progress is helping. And realizing that the scale is not where I measure my self worth is something I am working on! And in this struggle I am also reminded why positive people in your life make all the difference! A text message this morning from a friend telling me she wanted to weigh herself this morning, but didn't because of me absolutely made my morning and reminded me I am not in this thing alone!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Losing it....really!
I am writing this through a veil of tears, so I apologize for any typos! Like most women I am very emotional. I feel things very deeply, my heart is tender and I laugh as easily as I cry! I am finding it is very cleansing to "own" my struggles, to share them with others or at the very least get them out of my head and off of my chest.
This week I have struggled with a lot of emotions! Emotions are good; don't get me wrong. I am so glad I am someone who feels things deeply. But as I really examine who I am and what makes me successful in my weight loss battle and also what triggers road blocks, I am finding emotions play a really big role!
I had a weekend that put me in a funk. There was not one big catastrophic event and it seems petty when I think of those who lost everything in the devastating tornadoes or the Brown County family whose son gave his life fighting in Afghanistan.
You all know my mom is my everything. Last week was her rough chemo week. Seeing her feel so terrible is a reminder to me of how fragile life is. How we all take so much for granted every day. Like the things we eat and drink! We spend so much time focusing on the things we are giving up, but we are giving them up to get healthy, to add years to our life! We give them up and replace them with healthy options, and we find every way possible to make these options still taste great! And most of the time we are successful. Cancer patients would give anything to eat something that tastes great. Most days finding something to eat or drink that doesn't taste like metal, that they can keep down or tolerate is a challenge. We whine about sore muscles and having to get to the gym, yet my mom would give anything to be able to get back in the gym or even walk up the stairs without being completely winded and exhausted! Really puts it in perspective! Health is a gift! Having the choice to eat healthy, having the option and ability to be active is something we should be grateful for every day!
I felt completely helpless this weekend, wanting desperately to find that one thing that would taste good to Mom. I expressed my heartache on my facebook page and it was eye opening! So many people reached out to me, to her, with suggestions and help! I felt so supported. It also made me realize that the the typical things we use to gauge a friendship aren't always the most accurate. It doesn't matter if you have known someone your whole life or only just met...or if you see each other often or talk all the time or if you just catch up on facebook! The people who reached out to me, who showed genuine concern....the friends that went out of their way to not only offer advice, but to get me the things I needed to help my mom be more comfortable surprised me! I have so many friends...old and new....and I am so thankful for all of them!
One new friend reconfirmed in my mind and in my heart that nothing happens by chance! Through AdvoCare I was introduced to Johnnie Kanoza. Johnnie is a trainer at Keep It Tight Fitness in Mason. Not only is she amazingly helpful and knowledgeable about all things nutrition, fitness and AdvoCare, but she is amazingly kind and giving! She is one of those people who would help you without ever thinking "what's in it for me?" I have only known her a very short time and had only met her face to face once! And Johnnie met me Saturday with with a canister of Rehydrate for my mom to try. When I got to Keep It Tight Fitness to pick it up she probably had no idea she would be giving me a counseling session! But she did. Johnnie recently lost her mom to cancer. Talking to her and sharing my struggles and my fears and seeing the tears in her eyes and knowing she "gets it", hearing her say to me, you are normal to feel that way....it was the best therapy! And I am truly blessed that our paths crossed!
So, yeah, very emotional at that point....the rest of my weekend was busy, but I have had an issue with a friend laying heavy on my heart. I don't want to share the details here, but it really was bothering me, still is, and I didn't sleep well Sunday night. So Monday morning I head to the gym at 5:30am and I am one tired ball of wound up emotion! Aaron Slusher, you are a saint! As I worked out, he reminded me of the adverse effects of stress and negativity on my body, my weight loss and my workout....and he helped me work through it. He helped me talk it out and look at it all in a much healthier way! I am so thankful for him as well! For those of you on this weight loss journey with me, please remember that eating and being active are only parts of the whole puzzle....your thinking, your attitude, sleep....so many other things play a role in your success!
I am thankful for my emotional week because through the emotions I have realized that God places people in your life for specific reasons! Take full advantage of that! Utilize the tools you are given. Through friends and acquaintances and random strangers! Let people who have learned through experience guide you, help you, counsel you! And by all means, if you have learned something, don't keep it to yourself...share it with others, help people to be stronger, healthier.....it's what it is all about! Also, don't let your emotions derail you or cause you to make unhealthy choices. Acknowledge your emotions and deal with them. Don't mask them with bad choices! And when making a bad choice seems like the only choice....turn to the people who have been purposefully placed in your world and let their strength guide you back to the path you have worked SO hard to pave!!!!
This week I have struggled with a lot of emotions! Emotions are good; don't get me wrong. I am so glad I am someone who feels things deeply. But as I really examine who I am and what makes me successful in my weight loss battle and also what triggers road blocks, I am finding emotions play a really big role!
I had a weekend that put me in a funk. There was not one big catastrophic event and it seems petty when I think of those who lost everything in the devastating tornadoes or the Brown County family whose son gave his life fighting in Afghanistan.
You all know my mom is my everything. Last week was her rough chemo week. Seeing her feel so terrible is a reminder to me of how fragile life is. How we all take so much for granted every day. Like the things we eat and drink! We spend so much time focusing on the things we are giving up, but we are giving them up to get healthy, to add years to our life! We give them up and replace them with healthy options, and we find every way possible to make these options still taste great! And most of the time we are successful. Cancer patients would give anything to eat something that tastes great. Most days finding something to eat or drink that doesn't taste like metal, that they can keep down or tolerate is a challenge. We whine about sore muscles and having to get to the gym, yet my mom would give anything to be able to get back in the gym or even walk up the stairs without being completely winded and exhausted! Really puts it in perspective! Health is a gift! Having the choice to eat healthy, having the option and ability to be active is something we should be grateful for every day!
I felt completely helpless this weekend, wanting desperately to find that one thing that would taste good to Mom. I expressed my heartache on my facebook page and it was eye opening! So many people reached out to me, to her, with suggestions and help! I felt so supported. It also made me realize that the the typical things we use to gauge a friendship aren't always the most accurate. It doesn't matter if you have known someone your whole life or only just met...or if you see each other often or talk all the time or if you just catch up on facebook! The people who reached out to me, who showed genuine concern....the friends that went out of their way to not only offer advice, but to get me the things I needed to help my mom be more comfortable surprised me! I have so many friends...old and new....and I am so thankful for all of them!
One new friend reconfirmed in my mind and in my heart that nothing happens by chance! Through AdvoCare I was introduced to Johnnie Kanoza. Johnnie is a trainer at Keep It Tight Fitness in Mason. Not only is she amazingly helpful and knowledgeable about all things nutrition, fitness and AdvoCare, but she is amazingly kind and giving! She is one of those people who would help you without ever thinking "what's in it for me?" I have only known her a very short time and had only met her face to face once! And Johnnie met me Saturday with with a canister of Rehydrate for my mom to try. When I got to Keep It Tight Fitness to pick it up she probably had no idea she would be giving me a counseling session! But she did. Johnnie recently lost her mom to cancer. Talking to her and sharing my struggles and my fears and seeing the tears in her eyes and knowing she "gets it", hearing her say to me, you are normal to feel that way....it was the best therapy! And I am truly blessed that our paths crossed!
So, yeah, very emotional at that point....the rest of my weekend was busy, but I have had an issue with a friend laying heavy on my heart. I don't want to share the details here, but it really was bothering me, still is, and I didn't sleep well Sunday night. So Monday morning I head to the gym at 5:30am and I am one tired ball of wound up emotion! Aaron Slusher, you are a saint! As I worked out, he reminded me of the adverse effects of stress and negativity on my body, my weight loss and my workout....and he helped me work through it. He helped me talk it out and look at it all in a much healthier way! I am so thankful for him as well! For those of you on this weight loss journey with me, please remember that eating and being active are only parts of the whole puzzle....your thinking, your attitude, sleep....so many other things play a role in your success!
I am thankful for my emotional week because through the emotions I have realized that God places people in your life for specific reasons! Take full advantage of that! Utilize the tools you are given. Through friends and acquaintances and random strangers! Let people who have learned through experience guide you, help you, counsel you! And by all means, if you have learned something, don't keep it to yourself...share it with others, help people to be stronger, healthier.....it's what it is all about! Also, don't let your emotions derail you or cause you to make unhealthy choices. Acknowledge your emotions and deal with them. Don't mask them with bad choices! And when making a bad choice seems like the only choice....turn to the people who have been purposefully placed in your world and let their strength guide you back to the path you have worked SO hard to pave!!!!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Battle of the Closet...
Ladies, you will all understand this battle. The one where as you gain and lose weight over the years your closet begins to be separated into fat clothes, clothes you really want to wear again and the coveted, smallest size you've ever been that in the back of your head you fear you will never fit in again, BUT there is no way you'll let go of clothes! Why we hold on to all of these sizes is beyond me!? But honestly, holding on to them all has saved me a TON of money!
When I started losing weight this time I decided to break the habit of holding on to the fat clothes. I convinced myself that in the past I made it too easy on myself to gain weight back by keeping those big jeans and when 10 lbs creeped back on, I'd silently slip in to the bigger pants in the closet. Not this time! In 20 months I have given away over 40 thirty gallon garbage bags of clothes. (ouch, that's a TON of money) First I separated my closet into sizes...and as I went down a size, I would bag up the size before and move into the smaller size! This has been awesome. Each time I would get excited thinking about how good I'd feel getting back into some of the smaller things that were favorites I had long since missed wearing! I took these old clothes to Curves for other girls losing weight that didn't have the money to keep buying new stuff either! I donated some to a shelter, took some to a Naked Lady Party...dropped some off at Good Will...whatever got them out of my closet and took away my excuse to ever put that weight back on! It was SO freeing!
Friday night after a friend gave me a whole new summer wardrobe in my new size 14 I decided it was time to do another sweep of the closet. As I started my ritual of taking everything out and reorganizing I got really emotional....very mixed emotions! Some of the items I am letting go of this time are some of my all time favorite clothes, clothes I couldn't wait to get back into when I started this almost 2 years ago. I also realized that I have now gotten rid of EVERYTHING! There are no more clothes hanging in the closet for me to "get into". I have no more "skinny" clothes to work towards! WOW! 16 was the smallest size in my closet....the smallest I have ever been...until now!
So, when I get into a 12 ( I was a 12 when I was a kid!!!!!!!!) or 10, 8.... I will have to buy all new clothes!!!!!! How exciting is that!?!?! Expensive, but exciting! I am so excited for a future with a closet that is completely wearable! Everything on the hangers fits, no clothes I am "working to get into" and no clothes I am "praying I never wear again." I am well on my way!
One interesting thing I found in my closet on Friday was my Class of 96 Seniors shirt! Most people have clothes from high school they would love to fit in again. I tried this shirt on....it hung to my knees and swallowed me! WOOOOO HOOOOO I was SO happy! I am so not that girl anymore! Each time I gave away the bags of clothes, I gave away some baggage from my life! And I am feeling liberated!
I am still scale free...it's been almost a week since I have weighed in...I am going nuts, but I have not even gotten the scale out. I did see a scale this morning at the gym and had to really fight the urge to jump on it....praying I make it to June 17......
When I started losing weight this time I decided to break the habit of holding on to the fat clothes. I convinced myself that in the past I made it too easy on myself to gain weight back by keeping those big jeans and when 10 lbs creeped back on, I'd silently slip in to the bigger pants in the closet. Not this time! In 20 months I have given away over 40 thirty gallon garbage bags of clothes. (ouch, that's a TON of money) First I separated my closet into sizes...and as I went down a size, I would bag up the size before and move into the smaller size! This has been awesome. Each time I would get excited thinking about how good I'd feel getting back into some of the smaller things that were favorites I had long since missed wearing! I took these old clothes to Curves for other girls losing weight that didn't have the money to keep buying new stuff either! I donated some to a shelter, took some to a Naked Lady Party...dropped some off at Good Will...whatever got them out of my closet and took away my excuse to ever put that weight back on! It was SO freeing!
Friday night after a friend gave me a whole new summer wardrobe in my new size 14 I decided it was time to do another sweep of the closet. As I started my ritual of taking everything out and reorganizing I got really emotional....very mixed emotions! Some of the items I am letting go of this time are some of my all time favorite clothes, clothes I couldn't wait to get back into when I started this almost 2 years ago. I also realized that I have now gotten rid of EVERYTHING! There are no more clothes hanging in the closet for me to "get into". I have no more "skinny" clothes to work towards! WOW! 16 was the smallest size in my closet....the smallest I have ever been...until now!
So, when I get into a 12 ( I was a 12 when I was a kid!!!!!!!!) or 10, 8.... I will have to buy all new clothes!!!!!! How exciting is that!?!?! Expensive, but exciting! I am so excited for a future with a closet that is completely wearable! Everything on the hangers fits, no clothes I am "working to get into" and no clothes I am "praying I never wear again." I am well on my way!
One interesting thing I found in my closet on Friday was my Class of 96 Seniors shirt! Most people have clothes from high school they would love to fit in again. I tried this shirt on....it hung to my knees and swallowed me! WOOOOO HOOOOO I was SO happy! I am so not that girl anymore! Each time I gave away the bags of clothes, I gave away some baggage from my life! And I am feeling liberated!
I am still scale free...it's been almost a week since I have weighed in...I am going nuts, but I have not even gotten the scale out. I did see a scale this morning at the gym and had to really fight the urge to jump on it....praying I make it to June 17......
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