Yes, I am quoting a Garth Brooks song to start off this blog. It's funny, the song How You Ever Gonna Know has been my anthem through many big experiences in my life. When I moved to NYC I played it on repeat, strengthening my resolve and reminding myself over and over "how you ever gonna know..." Today after a great talk with my trainer, Aaron, he ended the conversation with, I think you have a new blog...and as I sit here deciding how to get all these thoughts out, I remembered the song and how much truth it holds! Thanks Garth!
I have to first admit that I failed. But I need to quickly say that I also learned a very important lesson in re-evaluating failure. As you all know, I committed to not weighing myself for 30 days. For my whole life I have measured my self worth by the number on the scale. To a point that it has become a detriment to me. I made it 20 days, which is a small victory in and of itself. But this weekend my mom and I made a silly mistake that could have been ugly. And I would even go so far as to say would have been ugly even 2 months ago. To date I have lost 190 lbs...so close to being down 200 lbs. Over the last 2 weeks people have been commenting on the changes to my body, I have been very aware of those changes, my clothes are getting bigger on me. All signs that I would have missed in the past. But because of these things I was confident I was going to have a big weight loss when I eventually got on the scale. We started wondering outloud if I had hit that 200 mark. And from there we hatched a plan that seemed fool proof. I would get on the scale, she would look, but I wouldn't! Even repeating it now it sounds ridiculous! BUT that is exactly what we did. My mom's reaction when I got on the scale told me EVERYTHING! Not only had I not lost....I had gained! She wouldn't tell me how much, but immediately I had tears in my eyes. And my heart sank. And honestly, I was pissed off! I do not cheat. One strength I possess is will power. And I have followed my nutrition plan 100%. I have trained and done cardio and how the hell did I gain!?!? This was the dialogue in my head. We were headed out and I decided to just shake it off as best I could. But it was gnawing at me most of the day. The next morning I had to know for myself. So Sunday morning I got on the scale. I was up 2 lbs! :(
Most of the day it weighed on me. Gnawing at me. All these crazy thoughts like, "just don't eat today." or "work out for an extra hour." were running through my head. But I fought those negative thoughts and I held on to what I have been taught by people in my life much more experienced in fitness and health than I am. I remembered all the things I have been saying to the girls doing the Challenge right now to motivate and encourage them. Those aren't empty words, they have power. And they are true! So I continued on the program that I have been on the past 2 months.
As the day went on I really turned it over in my head. I visited with friends that night and they were encouraging and offered solutions and reminded me of things I know, but don't always put into practice. I was terrified to tell Aaron I had weighed myself...afraid he would be mad. I knew I had failed.
But somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday it all clicked! All these lessons Aaron has been drilling in my head for months...all these things I hear, but don't hear. And now I get it! It is like one big giant puzzle. And the puzzle is not complete without all the pieces. The number on the scale is only one piece of the puzzle. All those changes I have noticed in my body, the changes others are noticing are real...and true indicators of my success. There are many reasons that the scale went up, none of which have a thing to do with failure. Water retention, lack of sleep, stress, the fact that I am building muscle...the list goes on and on! So, no matter what the number on the scale is, I didn't fail!! I am still closer to my goals than I was 20 days ago! And the bell went off that I have set all my goals around numbers....lose 100 lbs, lose 200 lbs...etc...but what about other goals. A good friend told me last night to set physical goals for myself. If I can run 4 minutes on the treadmill this week, my goal is 5 minutes...that is measurable...and there are no outside factors that can cloud the results. As I was running stairs during my workout this morning I realized 2 weeks ago I could barely breathe running stairs...today, I was a bit winded, my heart rate was up, but I was good, I could breathe!!! SUCCESS!!
I weighed myself again today, I haven't beat it yet, the scale still haunts me. But today those 2 lbs were gone! :) And I put the scale away! I am setting a more realistic goal for myself this time. I am not going to weigh again for 10 days. And I am going to change my expectations! When I had 250 lbs to lose, I lost it much faster. And now that I am closing in on my goal, I have to work harder for each lb. And they don't fall off at a rate of 5-8 lbs a week anymore. It is unrealistic. But as my friend Johnnie says, I am in this for life! So, quick results don't matter. I will get there...but even when I get there the journey is not over! :) And these lessons I am learning along the way will help me to be successful for life!
So, I failed...but I succeeded in my failure! And I am so ok with that!! And Aaron didn't even get mad at me for weighing myself...because the lesson I learned was valuable! I think I even made him proud! :)
Any of you struggling with not seeing results on the scale...or not seeing the results you want....get out a measuring tape, do your measurements, check how your clothes feel, get in touch with your body, know it...notice the physical changes your body is making, notice the physical goals you have reached. SLEEP, it is crucial to weight loss. DON'T STRESS, it will halt your weight loss! All pieces of one puzzle! Again, I am so blessed that I have had some amazing people come into my life! Thanks Aaron...Johnnie and Mike...Jill and all of you who comment and encourage me! I hope that the struggles I face, the lessons I learn can help you in some small way!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Skin You're In
For the most part I am a positive person. I go through my days feeling inspired and motivated. But occasionally I hit a speed bump or two....this past week was a tough week for me. Stress can really take a toll on your body! I went through the week full of stress and worry and just plain exhausted due to things out of my control to change! Friday late afternoon I jumped in the shower to get ready for my night and the weight of the week hit me in a way I wasn't prepared for! You see, I haven't been on the scale in close to 20 days now...And along with that I am trying not to obsess in the mirror over my body. But for whatever reason when I got in the shower last night I obsessed. And I freaked out! I've lost over 190 lbs....and there is a lot of skin! I have been amazed as I have lost weight that I have only really had skin in a few problem areas....but oh no, not anymore! Now it is EVERYWHERE!
I had a moment in the shower where I started down the path to self loathing....and then I stopped! NO WAY can I afford that kind of set back! I remembered a conversation my best friend Rachael and I had on Memorial Day and it really got me thinking. Rachael has lost at least 40 lbs and is that dreaded "few lbs from goal"...you know, those last few lbs that you lose an ounce at a time. Rachael works hard and inspires me, she has 3 kids and a very busy family life and she still makes her health a priority! Every time we are together we talk fitness and nutrition, it's nice to have someone who just gets it....she understands the struggles, the successes and the mental wars we women sometimes wage with ourselves!
Rachael and I were talking Monday about extra skin and stretch marks. Rachael's youngest is just 6 months old. We were talking about how most women are uncomfortable with their stomachs. She said that when she looks at her stomach and it's minor imperfections she thinks of the 3 beautiful children she carried in there and remembers that it was worth it, it makes the negative a very positive! This made me think. I have no children....what did I carry? Initially my answer was fat and it made me disgusted and angry at myself. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I too can look at my imperfections and find something positive!
Most of my life I was full of anger, bitterness, depression....my skin was stretched so far around all of those emotions. But as I lose the weight I lose those things as well....I am letting go of all things negative. Though my body wasn't stretched to accommodate a child it had been stretched to accommodate things that were holding me back and losing them gave birth to a new me! Losing the lbs I also lost the anger, the bitterness....I am a much happier person! And HEALTHY!!!! So I look at my extra skin and where I still hate it, it reminds me that I have come so far...that I have lost so much and that I have gained a whole new perspective on life!
I am not yet at my goal. In all honesty, I am probably still 50 lbs from my goal. But of those 50 lbs, 20-25 lbs are skin. To stop and consider that without the skin I am only 25 lbs away from the biggest goal I have ever set is pretty remarkable! I can let myself get side tracked or I can keep pushing through, focusing on the positive! I choose to focus on the positive!
As if a message directly to me, last night as I was watching TV there was a news story about a man who lost half his body weight. They showed all the skin and it surprisingly made me feel better about it. I am not alone...and would I rather have this excess skin for awhile or be where I was 2 years ago. That's a no brainer!
So for now, I keep my eye on the goal and not my flabby arms or stomach! I remember that when I can afford it I will have the skin removal surgery and the skin, like the negativity it held for so long, will be gone for good! I also remember that I plan to donate all of that skin to Shriner's Hospital for burn victims....a way of turning something so negative in my life into something positive! That seems to be the recurring theme in my life!! And I am so glad I have the strength to choose, for today, not to let the skin I am in weigh me down! I say for today because I know this is a battle I will face over and over until I can afford the surgery! And every day I will keep fighting to remember that my strength and courage, my heart and soul make me beautiful, not the size of my arms or how flat my stomach is!
I had a moment in the shower where I started down the path to self loathing....and then I stopped! NO WAY can I afford that kind of set back! I remembered a conversation my best friend Rachael and I had on Memorial Day and it really got me thinking. Rachael has lost at least 40 lbs and is that dreaded "few lbs from goal"...you know, those last few lbs that you lose an ounce at a time. Rachael works hard and inspires me, she has 3 kids and a very busy family life and she still makes her health a priority! Every time we are together we talk fitness and nutrition, it's nice to have someone who just gets it....she understands the struggles, the successes and the mental wars we women sometimes wage with ourselves!
Rachael and I were talking Monday about extra skin and stretch marks. Rachael's youngest is just 6 months old. We were talking about how most women are uncomfortable with their stomachs. She said that when she looks at her stomach and it's minor imperfections she thinks of the 3 beautiful children she carried in there and remembers that it was worth it, it makes the negative a very positive! This made me think. I have no children....what did I carry? Initially my answer was fat and it made me disgusted and angry at myself. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I too can look at my imperfections and find something positive!
Most of my life I was full of anger, bitterness, depression....my skin was stretched so far around all of those emotions. But as I lose the weight I lose those things as well....I am letting go of all things negative. Though my body wasn't stretched to accommodate a child it had been stretched to accommodate things that were holding me back and losing them gave birth to a new me! Losing the lbs I also lost the anger, the bitterness....I am a much happier person! And HEALTHY!!!! So I look at my extra skin and where I still hate it, it reminds me that I have come so far...that I have lost so much and that I have gained a whole new perspective on life!
I am not yet at my goal. In all honesty, I am probably still 50 lbs from my goal. But of those 50 lbs, 20-25 lbs are skin. To stop and consider that without the skin I am only 25 lbs away from the biggest goal I have ever set is pretty remarkable! I can let myself get side tracked or I can keep pushing through, focusing on the positive! I choose to focus on the positive!
As if a message directly to me, last night as I was watching TV there was a news story about a man who lost half his body weight. They showed all the skin and it surprisingly made me feel better about it. I am not alone...and would I rather have this excess skin for awhile or be where I was 2 years ago. That's a no brainer!
So for now, I keep my eye on the goal and not my flabby arms or stomach! I remember that when I can afford it I will have the skin removal surgery and the skin, like the negativity it held for so long, will be gone for good! I also remember that I plan to donate all of that skin to Shriner's Hospital for burn victims....a way of turning something so negative in my life into something positive! That seems to be the recurring theme in my life!! And I am so glad I have the strength to choose, for today, not to let the skin I am in weigh me down! I say for today because I know this is a battle I will face over and over until I can afford the surgery! And every day I will keep fighting to remember that my strength and courage, my heart and soul make me beautiful, not the size of my arms or how flat my stomach is!
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